speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
