You don't have asthma, your pregnant
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
