i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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