If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
