She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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