you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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