Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
