I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
