three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
