I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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