i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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