I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
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