I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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