All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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