there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
