He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
