i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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