I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
