I'm really into asian looking animals
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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