When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
