if i can run in heels then i can drive
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
tell me about the fingering
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