Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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