i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
