How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
