Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
