Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
