mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
