drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
should my penis look like a turkey
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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