Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
so that wasnt chicken after all
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
