Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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