I met the friendliest cop last night
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
you win again, gameday.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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