I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
