well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
that's an acceptable place to lick
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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