I'm eating all of the evidence.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Randomize
