Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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