she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
