Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
