lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
