I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
