Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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