I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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