I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
