Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
