i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
