I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
