Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Randomize
