So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
