Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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