So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
