I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
